Binkies in the Man Cave

The past several nights have been a challenge getting Precious Little One to sleep, involving several hours of screaming. Tonignt wasn't very different--it took about 2 hours before she fell asleep. The difference is, though, I wasn't in her room hoping she falls asleep. I stuck to the pattern, which was a little easier on me.

One of the problems with having your first baby slightly before you turn 40 is that people think you're more experienced than you are.  We took a parenting class at the local hospital, and compared to many of our classmates in their mid-20s (and some even less), we did have a lot more life experience.  But some of them were having their second kid, which made them more experienced than we were in that respect.  I had not been around a baby since my sister was born.  She's now 33.  It's been a while.

Precious Little One recently turned 1, and she was OK with the sleeping, getting up only once or twice a night, but lately she's gotten into a cycle of waking up every couple of hours, just to be held, and screaming when we tried to put her down.  Sometimes getting her to sleep was several hours of intense screaming.

In researching "cry it out", wifey found the Ferber Method, and the accompanying book, Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems.  Imagine our shock when we realized that a 5 month old should be sleeping through the night--we could have cleared this up 8 months ago?  The hospital class made no mention of the Ferber Method, and I wish they had.

In a nutshell, the Ferber Method is method that breaks bad sleeping habits by extending the times between picking your baby if she's screaming.  Typically it takes about a week, and it gets easier as the week goes on.  We'll keep you posted.

There's no question about it, you have to carry a lot of stuff when you have a baby.  That usually involves a large bag with many pockets jammed full of snacks, bottles, toys, wipes, diapers, etc, etc, etc.  When you're travelling or shopping, this can mean a lot of things to carry.

Not to worry, though--pockets to the rescue!  For a lot of trips, like to the mall or store, you don't need a lot of stuff.  Pretty much a diaper and a travel pack of wipes is all you need, and all that fits perfectly into the leg pockets of cargo pants.  If you want to, you can throw in a diaper disposal bag, disposable bib, baby spoon, placemat and a small toy in another pocket.  You're set for hours away from a large bag of stuff.  If you're going to the mall, leave the MBCC in the car ("base camp"), and travel light.

When you're out at the mall or for dinner, you pack a diaper bag.  When you're our for a long day or travelling to a different city, your diaper bag transmorgifies into a Mobile Baby Command Center (MBCC).  The MBCC

1. Diapers (duh)
2. Baby wipes (you'll need enough for baby, and for your hands, just in case)
3. Cleaning wipes (for cart handles, restaurant tables, dirty changing tables, etc)
4. Shout wipes or Tide stick, for stain prevention on your clothes, as well as hers.
5. Disposable bibs, or "bib clips", which let you use any towel as a bib.
6. Place mats with sticky tape on the back to keep them in place
7. Snacks.  There is the possibility that your Precious Little One will be a little out of sorts, and either quietly lose her appetite or actively go on a hunger strike.  You need to have a selection of the "old faithful" snacks in the MBCC.  Don't forget yourself--throw in a small package of trail mix or a granola bar or something you like.
8. Real baby food.  Although she may like french fries and cheese puffs, you need something more substantial and familiar to keep her schedule.
9. Kleenex, for you and baby
10. Cash, above what's in your wallet.  $20 can go a long way in a pinch.
11. Several Ziploc bags in a couple of sizes.  For sorts of reasons.
12. Toys and books.  Pack a couple favorites, and for longer trips, a couple new ones in case she's suddenly bored with the old ones.
13. Spare change of clothes.
14. Headache remedy for yourself.  It's tough to be on your game when your head is pounding.
15. Towel.  Always carry your towel.

If you pack well, and favor travel sizes, you can get all of this into a decent sized bag.  Any must-haves for the MBCC I missed?  Leave them in the comments.

I have been scolded for referring to the Precious Little One as "Roomba".  I'm apparently not the only one who thinks this way, though, as there is a baby mop outfit loose on the Internet.  Check out the video at  http://www.buzzfeed.com/scott/baby-mop-ad.

So I now figure that if we use a Sham Wow for a diaper, and put her in a baby mop outfit, we could have a long term cleaning solution!

I love the look on the Precious Little One's face when she discovers something new--that wide eyed, whole face smile of excitement.  As she gets older, I hope to keep that sense of excitement strong and introduce her to science and the outdoors.  With a little bit of ingenuity, you can turn a simple walk in the park into a real adventure.  Here is some of what you need.

Photos of your Observations

Digital cameras and advanced cell phones have made this so much easier.  Back in the day, a good afternoon of exploring ate up several rolls of 35mm film.  Good photos will help you share your finds later, and can be used for identification of what you found.

If your cell phone has a 2MP or better camera, you can probably get by with that, as long as you're outdoors in good light.  Your working distances will usually be in your arm's length, which is in the working range of cell phone cameras.  Many cell phones can be paired with a Zink printer, for printouts right in the field that can be pasted into your notebook or shared immediately with your co-expeditioners.  Your ability to photograph landscapes, or to zoom in, or to capture fast moving subjects.

If you can, I'd recommend getting a better camera.  Almost any point-and-shoot camera is more than sufficient for good photos of what you find.  Cameras change quickly, so no specific recommendations.  Spend a little time at the camera store or display, finding the best fit between features and price.  You need something simple enough for your child to use, so make sure they help pick it out, and can operate the shutter and zoom.

Knowing where you are

As much as you want to record what you found, you should record where you found it.  This way, you can return for seasonal or annual observations, or just to see something cool again.  Back in the day, this meant a compass, surveyor's theodolite and really long measuring tapes.

Most parks are in cell range, and a lot of cell phones can triangulate a fairly accurate GPS position based on the cell signal.  Some cell phones have satellite GPS capabilities for an even more accurate positioning.

If your phone can't do either, or if you want something more accurate, there are a variety of handheld GPSs in all price ranges, available at any number of retailers.  Some are simple locators, and some can locate you on preloaded maps of your park.  These have the added advantage of showing where you are on the hiking trails, and can help you get out in case you get lost.

When you record a location, record as much information as your device will give you.  Latitude and longitude are only the beginning.  A GPS device can usually tell you your altitude and often the temperature and barometric pressure.

For added adventure, an accurate GPS can help you take part in Geocaching.  The Geocaching site has an introduction to buying a GPS, at http://www.geocaching.com/about/buying.aspx.  Once you find a device you like, look around on the Internet and find the best price.

Recording Field Notes

For recording observations in the field, you'll need some sort of notebook.  Almost any bound composition book found in the school supplies will do, but there are options if you want something more authentic or portable.

For truly authentic scientific notebooks, go to the Scientific Notebook Company.  These are the ones I used when I worked in the lab, and they're used by most major R&D companies.  I was always partial to the grid layout, and they have a 64 page student notebook for about $3.  Very affordable, and completely authentic.  If you want a full sized notebook and are an Amazon junkie, you can check out the Hethrow scientific notebooks.

The downside to these books is that they're a little larger than letter sized paper, and not as portable as a pocket sized book.  If you want a pocket sized notebook, you want a Moleskine notebook.  There are a lot to choose from, but again, I'm partial to the pocket sized books with a grid rule.  You can also find Moleskines at a Barnes & Noble, if you're near one of those.

Smaller children learning to write may need the larger books and a Sharpie, it's up to you to determine their capabilities.

Why we're doing this

A walk in the park is an inexpensive and fun way to spend time with your family, and adding a little observation can turn an ordinary walk into an adventure remembered for a lifetime.  Adding a little extra to a day in the park will not only bring you closer with your child, but will help instill a love of the outdoors, and may turn him or her on to a career in science.

After watching the 60 Minutes interview with the hero pilot Chesley Sullenberger, I've come to a realization.  I only want to fly with a pilot who has a good nickname.  Airlines should print the pilot's nickname on the ticket, right below the flight number.

In the secret language of guys, nicknames have a great importance.  You can't choose your nickname, it's assigned to you.  Someone has to try it out, and it will only stick if enough guys agree that it fits and kep using it.  In essence, your nickname is a sign of the regard in which the guys around you, hold you.

"Sully" is a good nickname.  It's a derivative of his last name, and that's important.  A guy's last name ties ancestor to offspring, and gives identity to his family.  A nickname that includes the guy's last name implies strength of character.  Making a colloquial derivative of the last name implies you are respectful of those around you.  Usually, modifying the last name is a sign of disrespect, but in a certain circle around a guy, it can be done, because they respect you, and you respect them.  Not just anyone can say a nickname like "Sully" and be part of the crowd--entrance into this circle has to be earned as much as the nickname itself had to be earned.

Pilots are a breed apart, so they need good nicknames.  They operate on a completely different level.  Not only do they know there is literally nothing holding their big metal tube in the air, they know how to make that tube stay aloft.  They commit the lives of their passengers and crew to nothing more than a difference in windspeed.  The archetype of pilot nicknames comes from the movie Top Gun.  Iceman was a good nickname, Goose was not (especially in light of what caused the Hudson river landing).  Sully is far more Iceman than Goose, in oh so many ways.

Which brings me to my original point.  Below the flight number, I want to see who's defying physics with the tube that will soon enclose me.  I want to see "Sully" or "Iceman" on my ticket.  If I see "Kewpie" or "Pigeon", I think I'll wait until there's a Sully going my way.

Tragic news from my current hometown (story from http://www.insidebutlercounty.com/index.php/butler-news/2468-butlerite-arrested-for-baby-beating, video coverage at http://kdka.com/butler/Baby.Beaten.Butler.2.921954.html):

A 22-year-old Butler man is accused of hurting a nine-month old girl.

Butler City Police arrested Matthew Blumling, this week, in connection with an incident on the ninth of January.

That's when Children and Youth Services got a report from Children's Hospital that the little girl had been brought to the hospital with a fractured skull, a broken arm and a broken leg.

The child was in Blumling's care at the time she was injured.

Blumling, who is charged with assault and reckless endangerment, was jailed on $50,000 bond.

Like a lot of people, I’m horrified this happened, but having a baby, I can understand how babies can push you to your limits.

Babies have one form of communication—crying.  A cry can range from a soft sob to a full on red faced scream, and even the tiniest babies could amaze the hardened American Idol judges with their lung power.

Babies cry for six main reasons, two you can control, two you can sooth her out of, and two you need to just be patient for.  It only takes a day or two to start to figure out which cry means what, and how to get her to stop.

Reasons you can control.  You can take care of these easily.  If you just fed and changed her, she’s probably tired.

1. Hungry
2. Diaper change

Reasons you can soothe a baby from.  They usually just need to be held and whispered to.  They’ll calm down in a few minutes usually, and go back to playing.

1. Scared (sudden loud noise)
2. Minor pain (did the baby topple over and bump her head on the table—usually more scared than hurt)

Reasons you need to be patient and help settle the baby down.  You need to be very patient, and hold rock the baby for as long as she needs.  This can take an hour or more sometimes.

1. Tired
2. Overstimulated

Tired and overstimulated are the toughest ones to deal with.  If she’s just tired, it may take 20-30 minutes to get her settled.  She’ll usually signal tired by rubbing her eyes, too.  If your baby is overstimulated, this is where you’re likely to get pushed to your breaking point.  The best solution for both of you is just to put the baby in her crib and let her scream it out for a few minutes (not more than 5-10) before picking her up again.  She’ll calm down just because she could vent.  She’ll either go to sleep on her own, or a calmer you can settle her down with some more holding and rocking.  Repeat as necessary, making sure you’re calm when you hold her.  I can guarantee you hurting the baby is definitely not going to calm her down.

"Eating" in the adult world leads to one outcome--the entry of food into the digestive system.  "Eating" in the baby world, however, leads to several outcomes, few of which actually involve the adult definition.  A certain little girl is very cognizant of the benefits of oatmeal on the skin and hair, and turns meals into a trip to the day spa.  There are, apparently, also hair benefits to sweet potatoes and pasta sauce.

Remember Raiders of the Lost Ark?  That opening sequence where Indy snuck his way to a golden head sitting on an altar, then quickly swapped the head for a bag of sand?  It looked good for a moment, and suddenly poison darts starting shooting around, doors started closing, and a big boulder chased him out of the tunnel.  That's because he never had to gently place a sleeping baby into her crib from his arms.  There have been many a night--last night included--where it takes every trick you know (and inventing a few new ones) to get the little fussbucket to sleep in your arms.  Then, you have to ever so gently get her out of your arms and into her crib.  If you don't do it just right, you have to start it all over again.  And again.  And again....  After a while, those poison darts don't seem like such a bad idea.  But when you get it just right, it's like you get to keep that golden head.

Wifey laughed, anyway...

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function. 

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book to the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their  teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. And then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, 'You're not the boss of me'.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.

What a way to start the new blog!  Just released today is Sleepytime Tunes: Jimmy Buffett Lullaby.  It's available on CD from Amazon, MP3 download from Amazon, or download from iTunes.

Most albums don't translate well into lullaby tributes.  Buffett, however, seems to work well as lullabies.  The gentle Caribbean rhythms and steel drums easily convert to whatever they use to make a lullaby album (supposed to sound like xylaphone, guitar and accordian but really sounds like keyboards), and the result is something very recognizable and not too annoying.  This is probably the best lullaby tribute album out there, excellent if you're a Parrothead.

I'm not sure how thrilled I am with "Why don't we get drunk..." being on my daughter's lullaby album, but we have a few years before we have to explain it to her.

The Graco SweetPeace works when nothing else does.  When our girl has been her fussiest, our SweetPeace can get her to calm down and fall asleep.  It's during these extended fussy spells that you really, really need a good place to set the baby down so you can clear your head for a moment.  The SweetPeace goes even further by calming our baby down and getting her to sleep.  It's like magic--after only a few minutes of swinging, she settles calms down and starts to yawn.  Everyone's experiences will be different, but here are my experiences with the Graco SweetPeace.

Good Stuff

1. Unlike car seats, no strap needs to feed between the baby's legs.  This means you can have your baby swaddled or in a sleep sack (or similar) in the seat, so when she dozes off you can put her right into her crib.
2. It includes a swaddling blanket, with holes for the straps, so you can strap in and swing a swaddled baby as well.  At the time we registered for it, there was an offer from Babies-R-Us for an additional swaddling blanket, so you might want to search online for other offers.
3. Includes a variety of prerecorded sounds.  Our girl likes rain, so that's what we usually use, but I think ocean and heartbeat are the others.  There is a selection of several lullabies as well as the environmental sounds.  There's a volume control, so you can play the sounds loud over crying, or soft to soothe sleep.
4. MP3 connector.  Any device which has a standard headphone jack can be plugged in and played through the speaker.  This includes everything from a 20 year old Walkman to the newest iPods.  There is a small drawer where you can hide an iPod, Zune or similar sized player.
5. Comes with its own seat, or you can attach a Graco Snug Ride, too.  The included seat has a vibration control, and vibrates in addition to the swinging motion.
6. The swing motion varies, so it's not a consistent back and forth.  Some swings are a little longer than others, and some are barely noticeable.  This helps keep the baby from getting sick and adds an element of realism to the motion.

Not so good stuff

1. The straps naturally fall down into the seat.  When you have a fussbucket on your hands, it's tricky to keep the straps out of the way of the baby.
2. The head pad with bear ears also tends to flop down when you're putting a fussbucket into the seat.
3. Kind of bulky, and takes up a good chunk of floor space.  You'll want to dedicate a corner to this, because it's not something you can easily pick up and move around.

Bonus: You can leave the sounds on all night, so if your baby monitor is close to the SweetPeace (or if it's in your room), you can hear the sounds.  The rain sound is pretty relaxing...

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their corporate office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5 Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild .
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, teething, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will dare to have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel....

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. ( Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out....

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc........Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.

Now, How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Allow time for this - every morning AND evening

Lesson 6

1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs; Make an exact replica
of the Eiffel Tower

Lesson 7

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.....Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.  Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Now it's ready.

Lesson 8

1. Get ready to go out.
2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.
3. Go out the front door.
4. Come in again....Go out.
5 . Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Finally...Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9

Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child,then definitely take more than one goat.

1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 11

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine month old baby.

Lesson 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Wiggles, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel, Nick, or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's "Noggin"?).......Exactly the point.

Lesson 13

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 7-10 times a day for at least two years.

You are now ready to change diapers.

Lesson 14

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.

Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).

Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice; Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14 above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek, anyone who is parent will say "it's all worth it!"  Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it.  Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them...

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.